f'biconditionals

it's 1am and i'm completely awake. sure it could be the chai i drank at 8pm. then again it could be the ephemeral, potent high i get from data entry. or it could be the ridiculous, painful amount of stress destroying my soul and keeping me awake under silly notions of productivity. i'm ready to be done with school. i'm saying this while in the process of applying to doctoral programs and i'm increasingly aware that this in conjunction with wanting to walk is precarious. i enjoy what i'm doing, but it comes down to this: i can't see myself purposefully staying academia without a specific purpose. yeah, i get that most people come to that. and as a counterargument, i've always approached a phd as an end in itself. but that's not enough, the debt isn't enough and the theory isn't good enough, robust enough, applicable enough. i'm stuck in a doloop (which sas ends with end[i]) of theory. so, maybe this is to personal for this venue, but i'm considering taking off a year, removing myself, and hopefully putting all this in context and actually experiencing it in practice. i'm not sure what this feels like because i've never been open to it. and i am, at least now, depending on what happens re: said applications...